I’m not sure if I can write this well…but in order to step forward, I decided to post this. It will be a bit long story.
My cousin has passed away by a bike accident on the other day. Thank you for everyone who sent me kind words, and I apologize I haven’t been able to respond. The shock was too strong. He was the same age as I am. When we were kids, me, he, his two years older brother, and my brother used to play together at my grandparent’s house in Fukuoka. Playing cards, chasing butterflies, swimming, singing, dancing, waiting for Santa Claus, sometimes fighting…While there are lots of children who don’t have any relatives in countryside in this modern society, our child-food was absolutely amazing. We were happy, we grew up together like brothers. He was a clever guy, was good at math and computer, but also was really into music. He played the piano very well, and played the base guitar in a band, and was chasing his dream to be a professional while doing a part-time job. As I was also chasing my dream staying abroad, I was supporting his dream too. I believed that his dream would come true in the future.
After we became adults, we didn’t have many chances to catch up, though he used to send me email saying “come to our gig!” He was always surrounded with his friends, he was really a cool guitarist. His friends used to be surprised and tell me “Are you his cousin? Wow, you guys are such close family!” which used to make me feel proud. After I came to London, I couldn’t meet him at all…but I had never felt like we were apart. It didn’t matter, we were always family. When I heard he had passed away, I felt as if someone hit my head with a hammer. That can’t be true. It must be a lie. After I tweeted, my head was totally messed up. Unfortunately I couldn’t go back to Japan, I had to face the reality continuing the normal life. Although my colleague kindly asked me if I wanted to take some rests, being rather scared of loneliness at home, I went to the studio everyday. Fortunately …or unfortunately, it’s been extremely busy these days, I could forget about the incident while I was working. However, I couldn’t concentrate, misheard English a lot, felt exhausted everyday after work. Once leaving the studio, remembering of him and loads of memories, I couldn’t help but go home crying on the tube. I think, usually in this kind of situation, family gather and prepare for funeral, cry together and then accept the reality little by little. For me, I couldn’t find a place to release my emotion, I was feeling like suffocated….well, I am still feeling like suffocated.
The amount of our memory is not something I can go through only for a week or so, everyday, remembering new ones, I cry. I thought I would be able to see him anytime. Even when we become old men and an old women, I thought we would be just stay as family. I can’t believe he is no longer there when I next go back to Japan. But…he would say “Why are you still crying?” if I keep crying, I decided to step forward. Although I’m feeling so bad being unable to attend his funeral, if he can listen to my words now…I just want to say “Thank you”. Thank you for the fun, exciting, happy memories. You did really well. Please rest in peace.